5 oh-so-suave pick up lines.

December 14, 2009

1. Do you believe in the Freud’s Oedipus Complex? 
    Because you look exactly like my mom.

2. Wow! Those can’t be real…

3. You’re lucky I lowered my standards to talk to you.

4. No worries, you being ugly makes me look 10 times hotter.

5. No one else said “yes”, so I guess I’ll ask you.

 

Dear Basement Dweller,
My friend and I are having an argument about who would win in a fight on Super Smash Brothers, Kirby or Pikachu? It’s obviously Kirby, right?! 
- Jake.

Hey J,
Super Smash Bros. is no ordinary game. The brilliant developers at Nintendo made all it’s characters incredibly equally matched, except (of course) for Jigglypuff who just… sucks. Whether Kirby or PIkachu is better depends entirely on the player. If you are taking risks using close range moves and almost-mystic feats, then Kirby is for you, but if you want a character with a bit more range and speed, I’d say go for Pikachu. Pika also has impeccable dodging skills once you master his agility technique. You should always involve yourself personally in your video games, that way you’ll always get the most out of your gaming.  
- Basement Dweller.

Dear Basement Dweller,
I used to play Pokemon, Pogs and listen to S Club 7 with my Furbies. Do you think they’ll ever make a “comeback”? 
- Rerun.

Hello Rerun,
I have to say that S Club 7 is dead. Although listening to their old music as a crazy fan isn’t all that crazy anymore. As for listening to it with your Furbies… That’s creepy! Furbies were an it thing and for some they still are, but if you have a Furby lying around your house. Get rid of it. I’m pretty sure they’re cursed. Anyways, Pokemon is always cool, but if you’re 16+ and watching Pokemon… Don’t expect your friends to agree. Just keep it on the down low. Hm… Pogs were the best things since sliced bread, but now no one plays with them. Keep collecting them and maybe they’ll be worth some money… I estimate a good $7.50, but don’t spend all that money in one place!  
- Basement Dweller.

1. It’s your time of the month. Yes, periods suck. The cramps, the bloating, the mood swings… might as well share the love.

2. Thanks to Facebook, you’ve just learned that you are currently single and that your boyfriend… Oops… ex-boyfriend is a coward. Asshole. 

3. Remember that girl in your residence who told you that you were being “a bit too loud” last night? Well that skank is now stumbling through the halls with a bottle of vodka, groaning “a bit too loud” about how her boyfriend broke up with her. Fuck hypocrisy.

4. You’re sitting in class when the people sitting in front of you just won’t shut up. I’m sorry, but I don’t need to know about the sexual activities you and John partook in last night. Although congratulations on the multiple orgasms!

life can be so tough…

December 14, 2009


It’s lonely up here at the top.
So, so lonely.
Nobody wants a bag of pretzels.
Through my glass prison, i see them.
The creatures who will liberate me from this infernal contraption.
My brothers, my sisters, and my friends – they’ve all been taken from me.
I tried to be friends with Ruffles, over at D2, but she was taken from me, too.
Everybody wants the double-ds…
Taken to a better place, but not me.
Never me.
Never the bag of pretzels.
What’s wrong with me?
I’ve been here for who-knows-how long.
Pretzels can’t go bad. They’re the perfect food.
Maybe I should just end it all.
End it all right here, right now.
Just jump.
No, no… I can’t do it… I shouldn’t do it. It would be wrong.
Yes, yes. I should. It’ll be better in the end.
Alright, I’ve made up my mind.
Goodbye, cruel worl-
Wait! What’s that?
A liberator, coming to free us.
Maybe it’ll be me.
No, no. It’s never me, but a pretzel can dream… Can’t he?
It’s pressing a combination…
C… 3.
I wonder who C3 is, the lucky bag.
Waitaminute – I’m C3!
Yes, yes, yes! My dream come true!
I’m being spun forward.
In just a moment, I will be dropped down to the exit slot,
and begin my journey to a better place.
Now the foils are spinning slower.
No, no, no! This can’t be happening to me!
The coils are stuck.
I’m stuck!
The liberator frowns, then walks away.
No tasty snack for him, today.
And no freedom for me.

Written by a guest writer (Jenn S.)

feeling a little chilly?

December 14, 2009


1. Run a marathon! Hey, we didn’t say this would be “10 easy ways to stay warm.”

2. If someone around you looks warmer than you, highjack their coat. You may not be the warmest, but at least you’ll be warmer than everyone else!

3. Let your mom dress you via paranoid-mom-style and trust me… You won’t be cold, or be able to lift your arms for that matter.

4. Leave home wearing only a speedo, you won’t be cold once you’re frostbitten, you genius, you!

5. Don’t go outside. Fresh air is overrated.

6. Do what man’s been doing for centuries: Light a fire! Who cares if you’re in your English lecture…

7. Accept the 30-metre-long scarf your grandma knit just for her pookie-wookie!

8. Keep telling people how “hot” you are. Hey, if you keep sayin’ it, you’ll start to convince yourself.

9. Just break out in random dance moves, hey, if it’s goood enough for Madonna, it’s good enough for you!

10. Find a sexy guy/girl who is also cold and see if you can figure something out…

what’s your sign?

December 14, 2009


Scorpio (23 Oct – 21 Nov)
If you’re swamped with homework and too streessed stop doing it. You’re using homework to fill your void of not having a life. Stop studying for your Psych midterm and make some friends. This may seem harsh, but it’s the truth so suck it up.

Sagittarius (22 Nov – 21 Dec)
Liven up the monotony of life and slap on some bright blue underwear over your pants. Then go through the day making people refer to you as Wonder Woman… even if you’re a guy!

Capricorn (22 Dec – 19 Jan)
This month, you’ll buy a pair of big shoes and you know what they say about people with big shoes… they have BIG feet.

Aquarius (20 Jan – 18 Feb)
The cash strapped pirates have arrived so watch out! Lock up all your valuables and hide all your socks since they’re known for stealing clean socks and putting them up on Ebay.

Pisces (19 Feb – 20 Mar)
The bright torch of freedom has been extinguished and the brigh flag of freedom has been raised so take off your shackles and go outside. Go see a movie, eat a grapefruit or hey! Waste your day on TDW.

Aries (21 Mar – 20 Apr)
Feeling lucky? Well don’t count on continuing that thought. Beware of getting hit by busses and pedestrians on bikes this month. They have it in for you! Best way to stay safe? Hire a bodyguard! But don’t spend all your money in one place.

Taurus (21 Apr – 20 May)
Don’t ask why, but in case of emergency… STOP, DROP and ROLL!

Gemini (21 May – 20 Jun)
Keep your eyes peeled for oranges. Iif you are bikinig to work make sure to orange-proof your bike. They can and will do damage so dont say we didn’t warn you.

Cancer (21 Jun – 22 Jul)
You will probably fail in everything you do this month. Solution? Don’t try! Lock yourself in your room for the month playing Death Metal. Don’t come out until the month is over. Although, be sure to stash food in your room in order not to starve.

Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug)
Think this day will be different then the rest? It won’t. Expect 3 more weeks of not knowing why you get out of bed in the morning. Try exercising and not eating two tubs of ice cream. Good luck… it’s suck.

Virgo (23 Aug – 22 Sep)
Love will come knocking on your door! And by “love” – we mean more homework… Sorry to get your romantic hopes up.

Libra (23 Sep – 22 Oct)
Feeling down this month? Yeah, the reason probably being your lack of friends or perhaps your lack of interesting thoughts. Try to improve both. In the mean time continue to play solitaire in the dark. It’s not really that pathetic…
 

 


       Okay, Lenny just broke up with you, which is weird, because you were totally out of his league… but never mind that now. The thing that you’re still puzzled about a month later, is what he actually meant by “It’s not you, it’s me”, or whatever other corny line Lenny picked up from Desperate Housewives the night before and decided to use on you. Well, lucky for you, me, and anyone else who isn’t quite sure what “Let’s just be friends” actually means, here are some easy-peasy-lemon-squeesy translations we can all use in order to save that month trying to figure out what the hell Lenny was trying to say.

“It’s not you, it’s me”
What Lenny meant: “It’s definitely you: the way you walk, the way you smack your lips after saying something smart, the way you do that laugh/snort thing, the way… and so on.”

“The distance is too great”
What Lenny Meant: “Any distance is too far, if you lived in my freak’ basement the distance would still be too far. In fact, I actually wish you lived further, so that this lame line would actually make sense.”

“I’m still getting over my past relationship”
What Lenny Meant: “My sexuality is currently in question.”

“Let’s just be friends”
What Lenny Meant: “If you got a nose job, then maybe, maybe, I’d consider being seen in public with you, maybe.”

what’s next?

December 14, 2009

Is there a theme or topic you want written about? Or maybe you have your own article/graphic you’d like to submit? If so, feel free to email me at xcutiejessx@hotmail.com.  I don’t bite…

 

looking for love?

December 14, 2009


 
“Dungeons & Dragon’s expert in search of model”
Level 84 Ork, will take no less than Barbie proportioned female. Don’t bother answering if bigger than size 2. Call 416-KUL-NERD.
 
 
“Inquisitive Teenager, In Search Of ANYONE”
Hobbies: hormonal mood swings, contemplating staying out past curfew and in search of own independence without doing the dishes. Call 555-4736, if parents pick up phone, hang up immediately.
 
“Looking For My Own Personal McDreamy”
Hi. I am like THE biggest Grey’s Anatomy fan so I’m like looking for this guy who is like McDreamy or McSteamy or McVet or you know Alex or George or Denny or like all of them in one crazy McGuy. Omigosh, it’s such a good show. So if you think you’re like any of those guys then give me a call! *wink*
 
 
“Britney Looking For a KFed Replacement”
I’ve just gotten over a pretty intense divorce, but I’m now single and ready to find that new “Prince Charming”. I like lipsyncing and dancing with snakes, but I’m honestly just your normal down-to-earth type of girl. Send me a text message if you’re interested.
 
 
“Cinderella In Search Of ‘Less Shallow’ Prince Charming”
Looking for someone intellectually stimulating who has heard of the “women’s rights movement”. If insecure with own masculinity and feel that intellectual females are threatening, don’t call.
 
 
Looking for love? Leave your own personal in our comment section.
 
1. Everywhere you go Larry seems to turn up, whether it’s in Biology class, your lunch spot or… The girls bathroom! (Get out of here Larry!)
 
2. Rosie told you that Henry told her, who heard from Derrick, who is Hannah’s cousin., that Larry told her he liked you.

3. Your old, mouldy gym shirt “mysteriously” went missing from your locker a week ago, and you caught Larry wearing a shirt that bore quite the resemblance to your missing one.

4. When you asked him about the shirt, he just smiled!

5. While watching The Simpsons in English class, you felt a tug at the back of your head. When you turned around to investigate the cause, you found Larry grinning… and holding a lock of your hair!

6. When they played “I’ll Be Missing You” on the P.A. in the morning, Larry gave you a wink and whispered “They’re playing our song”.

7. Larry showed up at your house last night.

8. And was taking pictures of your room through the window.

9. Larry has proposed to you 48 times and the wedding invitations are already in the mail.

10. Larry has a tattoo with your name in a heart… and it doesn’t wash off!

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